Tuesday, 2 May 2017

What would you say to your deceased parent?

In my last post I talked pinnys/aprons and Annie of Scrappalachia said that her mother always wore one and how she still missed her mother 15 years after her death. I too still miss my mother, in many ways more than then when she died. I often find myself wanting to ask or tell her things.
 I find myself talking to her ..."Look at this mum" I say when something is happened she would have liked. or "You would have loved her so" When watching my youngest granddaughter, who is named after her. More recently " J is happy and settled" about a grandson who had a difficult early life with his Aspergers.
And as for my dear father, who never saw us move to our smallholding (which my mother did and so loved the place) " How about that view dad?" and "I wish you could tell the children one of your stories" and "Tell me about your grandma and grandma".
What would you like to say to your deceased parent if you could?
Can't see the keyboard as I am sobbing here!
Gillx

40 comments:

  1. I miss my mother everyday but I felt the hole in my life even more when I was diagnosed with cancer . I would most like her to be able to see what lovely adults her grandchildren have become .

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    1. I think we think of our parents when times are good, because we want them to share with us, or when times are hard, because we want their comfort, hugs or wise words.
      I hope your health is improving.
      Gill

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  2. I miss my nanny and grandad who raised me daily. The thought that they will never know my grandchildren upsets me greatly. If I could say one thing to them it would be " look, I made it, Im happy,settled and loved!"

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    1. And they would have been so happy for you and proud. Thinking of my maternal grandmother and how I feel about my own grandchildren I know that the bond between grandparents and grandchildren is so special. To be raised by them too takes it to a new dimension.
      Gill

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  3. My question to my mother would be "why did you never love me, why did you dislike me so much"?

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    1. Oh Anon how sad for you! Was your dad around?
      Gill

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  4. To both of my parents I would tell them about the immense sense of persoinal freedom that I felt when they died.

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    1. I have several friends who feel that way, but mostly because their parents have become difficult to care for in extreme old age and their death is a release for all. I guess you don't mean for this reason though.
      Gill

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  5. I would ask my dad why he never had a pension or put money aside when he earned good money working overseas. If he had done so my mother would not be living beyond her means, unable to live as a pensioner and NOT think she should be able to live the high life on little money. They lived for the moment when they were both alive and this has caused lots of problems, that she still thinks she can have whatever she wants. Makes me so angry and increases her level of snobbish behaviour. Aaarggh!

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    1. This really rings a bell with me. I know of people who earn and spend huge amounts of money on high end lifestyles and say "I've paid my taxes, the government can keep me in my old age". They then find that a basic pension won't even allow them to run a small car never mind a holiday. Another friend, whose mother is now in care is an absolute nightmare because of her snobbishness and arrogance.
      Gill

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    2. Oh tell me about it. Mine is in sheltered housing and writes cheques without thinking what is actually in her account. My sisters are forever sorting out things like payment plans to get rid of the debt. We have been told by the agencies that she is better off where she is, rather than in a care home but she cannot manage anything herself and the arrogance does not help here as she thinks she can. I'll stop now.

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  6. I had a very happy childhood with each parent contributing different things which I remember. My father took me on walks looking for birds' nests and identifying wild flowers and in the Winter he would read poetry to me, so that whenever I come across one of the poems we used to read together I want to talk to him ahout it.
    My mother was a very down to earth person and very good at keeping her feet firmly on the ground and handing out good advice. So when I am in a tight corner and need advice, or when I need comfort (like now) I miss her very much.

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    1. How wonderful to hear. My childhood was similar.
      I can image you miss your mother now. My mum died in the August and my sister seemed to take it pretty well. When my sister's husband died on the next Christmas day she so wanted her mother to talk to. My reaction, in truth, was that I was glad that mum never knew of my sister's bereavement, because I know she would have said. "That should have been me" which she always said when someone from a younger generation died.
      Hugs Weave
      Gill

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  7. I often talk to my Dad, who is passed. I think it's a good thing and I know he is listening, even if he doesn't answer.

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    1. I can't say that I am sure he is listening and when times are bad, I'm not sure that I would want him to know and be upset! But, like you I talk to him and mum often and yes it IS a good thing.
      Gill

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  8. What a great post. When I am gardening I always have a robin watching me and I talk to it because I think it is my dear Dad. He loved his garden, as did Mum, and I think he would be pleased with how we have our garden now.

    I didn't have an easy relationship with Mum, if you disagreed with her then you were wrong, and I would ask her why she couldn't respect our different opinions, because she wasn't always right Out of her 3 girls I was the only one she spoke to at the time of her death.

    I will be 72 next week, and I wish I had had the courage to challenge her when i was younger.

    Marie x

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    1. It's a joy having robins around when gardening, but if they make you think of your loved dad that's a real bonus.
      I don't know about you, but I have become more confident with age and am now far more able to challenge unfairness. (1'm 71 next month)
      Gill

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  9. I would tell her that I miss her so much, every day. My mom was unfailing in her support, encouragement, help, love, friendship..I could go on and on. My sister and I truly believe we hit the lottery when we were born to our mother; we adored her. I would just hug and hug her and not let go.

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    1. How wonderful that you appreciated her so much. I suspect you knew it at the time and showed her too. I was lucky enough to realise what a great mum I had too.
      Gill

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  10. Too painful to even think about

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    1. Oh Hester, I'm sorry if this post has upset you.
      Gillx

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  11. These made me tear up. The sad and the beautiful responses.

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    1. Indeed, just what I have been thinking. x
      Gill

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  12. I'm 77 years old an still miss my parents every day. They passed back in the 60's so it's been a long time. They both were in their 50's when they died. And yes, I talk to them a lot. Wish they could meet their new great-great-granddaughter!

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    1. I think I talk to my mum more. I don't know why, maybe because she lived longer and was a big part of the life I live now and knew two of my grandchildren, who loved their "little grandma" -a name given when you become a great-grandma. When my grandchildren have children I will be their children's little grandma. Your parents died so young, did they see you married ?

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    2. Yes, fortunately they did, and got to know most of their grandchildren. My two kids were between 5 and 8 when my parents died, and my sister and brother's kids were younger.
      My maternal grandparent also knew my kids, they died in 1962 and 64. I have now lived longer than anyone of my ancestors that I know of...

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  13. This is a timely post for me as I felt down today and then thought of my mother who would have said 'Come on, girlie' and I felt better at the thought. My Mum died seventy years ago and I sometimes felt strange that I still miss her but feel better now that you have all admitted that time does not come into it.

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    1. Oh indeed, I think we almost miss them more as time goes on!
      Hope you have recovered from your fall.
      Gill

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  14. I would loved to have bought my mother a digital camera and a laptop; she would have loved them, and I would really have enjoyed showing her how to use them. Alas....

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    1. Oh yes a digital camera! My dad would have loved that, he loved his "super 8" cine camera and we are currently converting some of his old films into CDs
      Gill

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  15. I have never commented here before so I hope you don't mind but I just read this post and it means much to me too. I agree with Heron's comment but I do miss my mum now and then and want to speak to her and sometimes wake in the night thinking "I wish mum was still here and I could tell her" and the older I get the more it happens. Whatever age we are in our own lives it never goes away. I also had a similar relationship to my mother that Marie describes and understand her description too. Thank you.

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    1. Of course I don't mind, I'm glad you have commented. Your feelings about your relationship with your mum sound complex, but still you want to tell her things and as you say the older you get the more it happens. It certainly does for me and most of the commenters here.
      Gill

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  16. Sadly my dad died very recently 19 days after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. I had so many questions that I didn't ask because he didn't have the strength. We all think our parents will live for ever and that we have a life time to learn from them. Never put off spending time with them and enjoying their company and creating lasting memories.
    Carolx

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    1. I'm sorry for your recent (and sudden) loss. Your advice is so sound, but often people are busy leading their lives and, as you say, think their parents will live forever.
      I hope in the future you will get some comfort from talking to your dad, as so many of the above commenters do.
      Gill

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  17. Thank you.
    Thank you for the sacrifices you made that I often wasn't aware of; thank you for teaching me to do the right thing even it's not always the easiest thing; thank you for teaching me the value of education. Thank you for loving me.

    I think of my mum every day - often when I'm doing something she taught me - and I can still hear her voice. I wish my parents could see their great-grandchildren. Reading some of the comments above, I think I and my brothers and sisters were very, very lucky.

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    1. I wish I could still hear my mother and father's voices but I can't. I can see them, feel them and smell them, but not hear their voices.
      I'm with you in feeling grateful for what my parents gave me, not the least of which was a respect for others and thought for those less fortunate.
      Gill

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  18. I don't remember my mother at all. I was very young when she died. An aunt told me, years later, that my mother had not gone to the doctor when she fell ill, until it was way too late. I'd ask "Why the *** not?" My father then fell ill, and things just fell apart (he also died).
    To be honest, I'm happier if I manage not to think about them.

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  19. I think part of a person lives on in their children. I have often thought when one of our children has achieved something oh I'll phone Mum then realising that that is not possible. When I was poorly back in January I longed to be a little girl once more laying my head in my Mothers lap while she played with my hair...or have her rub warmed camphorated oil into my skin with her work roughened hands. The oil jar would be warmed on the back of the Rayburn. When I smell the rubber of a hot water bottle I think of Dad...it is a smell I find comforting. I silently pleaded with my Father to die as he was in a lot of distress. I don't feel Dad as much as Mum but whether that is a nurture thing. Mum loved her flower garden...it is important to me to nurture some of the plants that she looked after. Years don't widen the gap. I hope Mum has found our little girl who was born asleep and is taking care of her as I was never able to. x

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  20. I can't read the comments yet as I am already tearing up but just wanted to send hugs xx

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